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Old 07-25-2012, 09:32 AM   #1
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she is in the talk to me mood- you are not

what do you do?
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Old 07-25-2012, 09:57 AM   #2
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Be honest.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:01 AM   #3
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Talk to her. And turn off your computer for awhile. It is competing against her for your attention.
Now ... go talk to her!

Added later: The above comment was given under the impression this was a husband/wife relationship

Last edited by Jetstream; 07-25-2012 at 10:58 AM. Reason: Clarifying my comment
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:11 AM   #4
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We go thru this- some days- dinner is at 5pm. By then I am starved- I want food- because I do not eat a lunch. I get the play by play of every detail of her day- she fidgets so much that I am done eating before she is- I cant say I like any of her friends- and some of her family- they annoy me.

So instead of saying something rude- I prefer to be the strong silent type.

I find myself not having a ton of pity for everyone and their sister- every last bad thing in life is dwelled on- as if I can do something about it. Everyone is dying- sickly- in trouble or messed up. I cant feel sorry for every person on the planet and do not want to feel sorry for myself either. Some things in life just are. We can talk for 24 hours- and that wont make Cass any better- or the parade of others who are sickly.

Even a day getting the hair done- I hear every detail- what was said- worn- blah blah blah.

After 30 minutes of this- I want to see TV.

Oh- and the job of an eye doctor- and any professional is to sell you stuff- of course you need new glasses.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:27 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Jetstream View Post:
Talk to her. And turn off your computer for awhile. It is competing against her for your attention.
Now ... go talk to her!
One idea I do sometimes is go talk to her in the middle of the day. The idea is if we get chit chat in- she feels wanted. It pisses me off when we have guests to dinner and they want to talk about the evil in the world- the dinner hour is supposed to be light conversation. Eating on a worried/tense stomach is not optimal.

I can not solve that the world is evil over having dinner. There is nothing I can do about it.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:31 AM   #6
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I don't recall you saying anything about an obligation to go over there every day Cliff. Maybe just give it a break for a few days. Maybe just beg off and say you don't feel all theat well and don't want to spread around whatever it is you may have. Then, spend a day or so generating some positive conversation so that when she wants to dive right in to the negative "feel sorry for me" nonsense, you can switch the conversation around to something positive. Some folks who spend a lot of time alone, seem to have a propensity to self pity, so feeding it doesn't do any good. Try and steer the conversation to the positive. If she resists, then be honest and tell her that listening to negative stuff every day is affecting you in a bad way and you need to take a break from it or talk about something more positive. If done in a nice way, your friend should understand and be willing to do what she needs to do to preserve the friendship.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:42 AM   #7
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I assume you are married...

Do you want it to stay that way?

If so, be yourself but don't be an ass Don't resent her for wanting to spend time with you. Your frustrations probably have very little to do with her or your dinner guests.

Figure out what is really bugging you. I am guessing it's something you either don't know how to resolve or have been avoiding.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:48 AM   #8
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To clarify, is "she" a wife or a friend?
If "wife", then my comment stands.
If "friend", then you have the power to control when and how often you visit.
In either case, PMBug's comment: "Be honest", stands.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:50 AM   #9
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my family is coming at the end of the week- so there is a planned break- she is then going away out of state in September.- so that will be a longer break.

I do ok- listening to her- then to extend the conversation she asked if I heard from my family- and how is the election going. I was brief on those answers. What would have been relevant is that the power company sent an engineer- and they might move the power pole that goes to my house. Also the guy who cuts my grass did so with the agreement that I will pay him next week. When I wanted to tell her about Nebraska and ron paul- there was other stuff going on- that I did not have a chance. Now it is in the past.

Maybe I will start making a list- and tell her- this is my list of things to talk about. Otherwise we are all over - talking about things that- are killing time- not really news.

So my complaint to the PUC - PPL sent out a engineer- they might move the power pole 30-40 feet. That is relevant- some skinny girl who wore shorts that were too short at the nail salon - and brought 4 kids in- and the place has a budda statue- ..and that young girl wore shorts that were too short- what is it with people? (not relevant) the price to get her nails done is $19- compared to $25 at the old place- (that is relevant) why do woman bring 4 kids in the nail place? it is not acceptable that the young girl wore shorts that were too short and the budda statue is pretty offensive.

A lot of woman have trouble separating news from blah-ty-blah. What is it with that young girl and short shorts-and budda?
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:53 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Jetstream View Post:
To clarify, is "she" a wife or a friend?
If "wife", then my comment stands.
If "friend", then you have the power to control when and how often you visit.
In either case, PMBug's comment: "Be honest", stands.
She is 78 year old neighbor lady. Not a wife, not a date. Some of the dynamics are such that I am the 3rd husband- at times- the son at times- and a friend at other times.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:53 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by ancona View Post:
...Maybe just beg off and say you don't feel all theat well and don't want to spread around whatever it is you may have....
While the rest of your advice is good, I do question the advisability of this. It is not honest and if she finds out, then she WILL want to talk, and it might not be a warm, fuzzy, feel-good conversation.

As a general rule, those who are dishonest in little things will tend to be so in larger matters. In my years of marriage counseling, guess what is the NUMBER 1 issue I have had to deal with. It is TRUST. Whether it is a matter of finances, kids, parents, in-laws, infidelity, etc. the underlying problem is that trust has been broken and now the floodgates open.

Trust starts with being able to trust what the other person says to you. If you fail there, you fail everywhere.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:55 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Penn View Post:
She is 78 year old neighbor lady. Not a wife, not a date. Some of the dynamics are such that I am the 3rd husband- at times- the son at times- and a friend at other times.
OK, very different situation. (If I could give a word of advice? Not everyone on a board like this knows your personal situation, so a bit more info up front would be a good idea). My advice on dealing with a 78 year old neighbour lady is a tad different than with your wife. :-)

What I said about controlling the visits and conversation applies here.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:55 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by dereksatkinson View Post:
I assume you are married...

Do you want it to stay that way?

If so, be yourself but don't be an ass Don't resent her for wanting to spend time with you. Your frustrations probably have very little to do with her or your dinner guests.

Figure out what is really bugging you. I am guessing it's something you either don't know how to resolve or have been avoiding.

Yeah- her one girlfriend I am close to telling her- less time with L- more time with her sister.

The dinner table- should be calm- joy- nourishment. Some of her friends use her- run her ragged- then she gets sick and is in bed for a few days.
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Old 07-25-2012, 10:57 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Jetstream View Post:
OK, very different situation. (If I could give a word of advice? Not everyone on a board like this knows your personal situation, so a bit more info up front would be a good idea). My advice on dealing with a 78 year old neighbour lady is a tad different than with your wife. :-)

What I said about controlling the visits and conversation applies here.
the dymanics there are - blended- in some ways I am the husband. We have done dinners for 2 years now.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:02 AM   #15
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She writes down in a journal what we had for dinner- and if I liked it. She reads all the womans magazines.

One barrier is that she really could use a hearing aid- so when I do talk I have to repeat EVERYTHING. So over time- it is better to say less. One remedy was to make sure the leaf is out of the table...so that we are closer. Phone conversations are even worse- then I have to repeat everything 2x.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:03 AM   #16
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OK then Penn, be assertive, but kind, and control the conversation more by asking questions. It will take some effort but will definitely be worth it.
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Old 07-25-2012, 11:05 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Penn View Post:
She writes down in a journal what we had for dinner- and if I liked it. She reads all the womans magazines.

One barrier is that she really could use a hearing aid- so when I do talk I have to repeat EVERYTHING. So over time- it is better to say less. One remedy was to make sure the leaf is out of the table...so that we are closer. Phone conversations are even worse- then I have to repeat everything 2x.
She needs other interests. Why not give her something to read (maybe on PM's or gardening or whatever that YOU find interesting) and then tell her you'd like to discuss it.
This way you are opening up her world a bit, and you are bringing the conversation to areas that you are more comfortable with. Both of you win.

I have to run, but feel free to PM me if you want.
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