My dumbass neighbors, the saga continues..

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
Those who visit PM Bug on a regular basis already know my dumbass, mouth-breathing hardcore, redneck neighbors. These people are just a half a step up the evolutionary ladder from bacteria, possessing barely the minimum amount of brainpower between them to stay alive, and then, I sometimes question that. As a logical being, fully self-aware and sentient, I tend to be a linear thinker. My ability to think a situation through to its natural conclusion is a skill which I take for granted……that is until I see my idiot neighbors outdo themselves time and time again.

This weekend as it turns out, was to be no different. Friday night was quiet and uneventful, as I sat on my porch smoking a nice Cuban cigar and knocking back some bottles of suds with my very good buddy Scott. We were about finished with the first bottle of the evening when the Clampetts came ‘draggin up in their piece-of-shitmobile, with Hank Williams Jr. blaring out of the windows. Knowing full well that these idiots were half drunk already, we sat back and waited.

Our wait turned out to be much shorter than usual as Jethro came walking over to the porch, [something my neighbors never do] and says, “How do neighbor, I was wonderin if y’all got a snatchin’ chain or sump’n what I could use to jerk a truck out a ditch”? Intrigued, I asked him what happened. “Well, it’s like this, we was turtlin’ [redneck for turtle fishing] down to the bottom of Clearlake ‘an the truck starts a slidin’ down the edge of the ditch”. “Time we got to ‘er, she was up to the floorboards. When my boy tried to drive ‘er outta there, he dug in down axle deep, so now we gotta snatch ‘er up outta there”. I look over at Scott, who is desperately working to stifle a laugh, then back over to Jethro. He’s covered in stinky ass ditch mud, wet from the waist down and barefoot. I tell him I’ll drive over to the shop and I’ll let him use some tow straps we have, and we’ll meet him at the bottom of Clearlake at the turn in.

We pull up on the mud hole and see two guys trying to figure out what to do with an F-250 that’s buried so deep in the mud that the doors can’t be opened. Apparently, while Jethro was at my house borrowing straps, these two geniuses decided the truck was stuck because there wasn’t any weight in the back, so they piled a bunch of good sized rocks from the rip-rap at the culvert, causing the thing to sink another foot or so. I could tell this was going to be good, so we backed down the head about thirty feet, sat back on the tailgate and popped open another bottle of suds.

We didn’t have to wait long for the fun to begin.

Jethro ran down the slope to the water edge and started to cuss out the two knuckle-heads who buried the truck even deeper, with his wife right behind him doing the same. After a few minutes of this, Jethro walks back to the truck and grabs the straps and a long, rusty-ass logging chain. The two idiots who put the rocks in the trucks bed were designated mud rats, and were dispatched to hook the ends of the sorry looking chain to the trucks frame so Jethro could snatch the truck out of the mud. Since the truck was so deep, they had to hook the chain up blind, by forcing their arms through about a foot of mud to feel their way to the frame. After about ten minutes of cussing and mud wallowing, it appeared that they had secured the chain and were setting up to attach the strap to it.

Jethro backed a little closer to the hole, hooked the strap to his hitch rack then got in the truck to start pulling. When he got the line good and tense he gunned the engine, throwing mud, rocks and sand at the two idiots who were now scrambling through the mud bog to get away from the pelting stones, and cracking the windshield on the stuck pick-up. The truck in the mud went nowhere. Scott and I were laughing our asses off.
Jethro gets out of his truck to look at the scene and try and solve his puzzle. His tiny brain just couldn’t compute what to do. What he decided to do next was hilarious. Jethro used all of his brainpower, all of his years of experience and his vast base of knowledge about physics to plan this next great move. Thinking that all he needs is a little more speed to put a nice jerk on the line, he attaches a second strap to the first, giving him twenty five more feet of running room. Jethro the genius signals for dumbass #1 and dumbass #2 to “Git back now, cuz I’m a gonna’ yank this fucker out”!

What happened next will go down in local history as an epic “Hey y’all, watch this”! moment, and the tale will probably be regaled for years to come.

Jethro gets in his truck, which is perpendicular to the roadway, guns the engine and pops the clutch at about 3000 rpm. The truck lunges forward accelerating rapidly toward the road edge. The straps jump up off the ground as they go taught, and the entire front axle of the bogged down truck comes flying out of the hole. Jethro, who was apparently caught off guard, is unable to process all of this information at once, forgets to take his foot off the gas, and ends up nose first in the ditch on the opposite side of the road at about a 35% angle. The axle, complete with fully inflated tires refusing to defy the laws of physics, bounces two times and smashes in to the back of Jethro’s truck with enough force to fold his tailgate completely in half and literally shear back the whole right quarter panel and shatter the back window.

I laughed so hard I do believe I peed my pants just a little bit.

By this time a small crowd had gathered to watch the spectacle, and they were on the ground laughing, every single one of them. Jethro’s useless idiot buddies came running over and met him at the head of the ditch. It was starting to get pretty dark by now, and to add insult to injury, my idiot neighbor had to ask me for a ride home, since both of his vehicles were now completely out of commission. Good neighbor that I am, I helped him roll up the straps he borrowed and loaded them in to my truck. I let him, his wife and two idiots ride back in the back of the truck. I even gave them each a beer. He expressed concern about someone stealing his vehicles during the night, but I turned to him with a straight face and said, “I think they’ll be safe for the night right where they are.
When Scott and I got back to the porch, we resumed our evening of suds and stories but kept laughing from time to time as Jethro’s friends began stopping by one by one as the story spread, and he recounted his adventure. By Saturday morning, the police had apparently taken interest in what must have been a puzzling sight for them during patrol, and the vehicles had been taken out of the mud and dropped at the impound yard.

While my neighbors may be some stone-age looking, knuckle dragging mouth breathers, they sure are good for some laughs on Friday nights. :cheers:
 

rblong2us

Yellow Jacket
Messages
2,090
Reaction score
8
Points
153
Location
off world
Absolutely brilliant Ancona
I would be delighted to have em as part time neighbours

See how little anger there is in this report ........

Soon you will be a regular at their house as you slowly work your way up in their esteem

Watch out for moves on you by the females, looking for better genes in their offspring though
 

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
These guys save me a bundle on movie tickets and restaurant bills! I wish I had thought it through and took a camera. Unfortunately, getting stuck in mud or sugar sand is so common here, it is a matter of course to have a snatch rope or chain on the passenger side floor board of your truck, because it happens all the time.

I used to sweat these mouth breathing knuckle-heads, but now, I look forward to their antics. These cannon fodder will be on the front lines [the cheese line that is] after a collapse, so I have stopped worrying about these people and accepted that there is nothing I can do about their presence. I have decided to sponsor a Friday night gathering of about four friends, whom I frequently regale with stories of Jethro's stupidity.

They are looking forward to it and so am I. We may have to wait a week or two, but fate always answers these Neanderthals, so we will eventually be rewarded for our patience. In the meantime, we will enjoy each others company and drink beer, tell lies and have a generally good time. I think it's rather cool.
 

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
Well, they're4 on their carport bitching about how much money thie is going to cost them. Mrs. Bodeen is in the background with her shrill cackling voice giving useless advice, on a subject about which she has zero knowledge. I'll keep you updated.
 

DoChenRollingBearing

Yellow Jacket
Supporter
Messages
1,275
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
SE USA
FUGGIN' A, that story is a RIOT! When I was a kid, I lived in SC and knew the local rednecks who had no real problems with me (even though I was a Yankee, and SC takes pride an that they were "first out and last back in").

And the rednecks I knew in TX and VA couldn't measure up to your neighbors the Bodeens.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

:rotflmbo:

:rotflmbo:

:rotflmbo:
 

DCFusor

Yellow Jacket
Messages
1,682
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Floyd, Virginia
Yup, vehicles getting stuck through stupidity and then even dumber rescue attempts, often fueled by white lightning, are a major source of entertainment around here too.
It's all good fun for all but the original loser. People even do dumb things to get tossed into jail to have the stories to tell later.

I rescue a few every year, but I make them sit out of the way while I do it so they actually get rescued.

Not all rednecks are stupid - I know some darned smart ones myself and am glad to be "in the club" as an honorary member.

But yes, we all know a rednecks last words are "hey y'all, watch this!".


You know what - the funniest one here so far wasn't a redneck. It was the next door neighbor, who is a mech engineering prof at the local tech university. They moved here to the bottom of a very steep hill - hard to get up when wet, much less snow, but with that attitude of I'm going to dominate nature no matter what. He and his wife are the battling bickersons personified.

So, one day he's towing his volvo up the snow covered hill with his large ancient tractor on a chain. They stop right in front of my house (at the top of the main hill) to bicker a bit, during which time he lets the tractor roll back about 10 feet. After the little battle, his wife gets back in the car, he gets back on the tractor - pissed - and takes off, having kind of forgotten to remove the chain. Tractor gets to full speed before the chain goes tight, and wifey is now following the tractor in the front half of the volvo, while the back half heads back down the hill.

We laughed so hard they could hear it over the other noise through our house. They didn't speak to us for quite awhile after that (fine...).

You'd think a professor of mech engineering would understand about shock loading and inertia. The Volvo was pretty ancient, so we suppose it was pretty rusty in the frame, but having a car (occupied!) pulled in half right before your eyes is almost as good as the time Frankie decided he could jump off a 30 foot cliff with his Harley...

I have endless stories from this stuff around here - one of the things that makes this place so much fun.

Then there was the time Elton chased Frankie around the field with a small balloon and a cigarette lighter. They had just dropped by after getting out of jail for the weekend for some other exploit, and I'd just demoed to them what a balloon with a perfect oxy-acetylene mix would do (put it in a lunch bag, light the top, and get the hell away - it's very impressive done right). Elton is a little guy, Frankie's huge and a good drinking buddy - when he stands up, everyone else in the bar sits down and finds something else to bother with - no one will fight him. So the sight of this skinny little guy chasing Frankie around the field - because we all know that Elton is crazy enough to blow his own fingers off on most days - was hilarious. Finally Frankie is winded, Elton catches him, and lights the ballon - which he'd merely blown up with air. Then, repeat performance with Frankie chasing Elton...

Then there was Anthony and Elton at the river, and the mysteriously appearing bottle of white wine after we'd drunk all the available booze. Well, it was kinda warm and not wine - but Anthony can swim...and Elton not. It was fun watching Elton fight Anthony for that bottle of piss he was pretending to drink from, win, and then discover what his prize was...

And so on till you think you're going to die from laughter at various kinds of stupidity. On the other hand, get yourself in trouble, in a serious pinch of some sort, and all these guys will back you up and help you out - anytime, anywhere and are a force to be reckoned with indeed.
You need someone "good in the woods" if TSHTF - you'll be glad of those boys.
 

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
Ya DC.....didn't mean to disparage rednecks at all, in fact, many of the folks I know around here are certified "Florida Crackers" and are among the best people I know. Hard working, honest to a fault and good friends. I included the reference to help "paint the picture" so to speak. Unfortunately fo these people, they have the combined inteligence of a fucking wombat, and it makes for some interesting situations in their lives. Many of their friends are less than brilliant as well.
 

DCFusor

Yellow Jacket
Messages
1,682
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Floyd, Virginia
Your particular batch might be a lost cause - can't tell from here, but I can say this, one of the reasons I get plenty of respect and friendship from the local cops is me befriending the better of them and showing them how to have their fun without involving law enforcement due to pissing off or frightening the neighbors so much.

I mean, you don't have to run around a trailer park shooting a shotgun into the air in the middle of the night to have a good time (followed by a fight with the cops and a drunken high speed chase that ends with ambulances for you), right?

Like I said, endless stories, mostly fun because I was just a bystander and not directly involved.
 

bushi

Ground Beetle
Messages
973
Reaction score
2
Points
143
Unfortunately, getting stuck in mud or sugar sand is so common here, it is a matter of course to have a snatch rope or chain on the passenger side floor board of your truck, because it happens all the time.
...I don't know if it is true, but allegedly using bungee rope for yanking vehicles stuck in the deep snow is one of the party tricks in sub-polar regions (have watched it the other day on the TopGear Special - Polar Challenge).
 

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
I laughed so hard my jaw still hurts and my fucking ribs are sore. It has been a long, long time since I saw anything that funny. We laughed about it all day at work today, which is cool because Mondays suck around here.
 

h4rdware

Fly on the Wall
Messages
94
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
little britain
Muaahahah!

It's a pity the police extracted the cars - they deprived you of sequels!

I'm sure he would have kept trying with whatever you handed him - dynamite, a weather baloon, some untrained donkeys. You could have stretched that out for days.

Heheh.
 

bushi

Ground Beetle
Messages
973
Reaction score
2
Points
143
I laughed so hard my jaw still hurts and my fucking ribs are sore. It has been a long, long time since I saw anything that funny. We laughed about it all day at work today, which is cool because Mondays suck around here.
Must have been hilarious! This kind of stunts, words cannot give them full justice, you just have to be there & see it yourself...
 

ancona

Praying Mantis
Messages
3,370
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Location
Waaay south
Bushi,
I WAS there, and I laughed likme a drunken comedian!!

These knuckleheads are fucking priceless!
 

oppie2005

Predaceous Stink Bug
Messages
129
Reaction score
0
Points
0
I love the stories about your neighbors. I shouldnt laugh, as i am a redneck from TN that use to get into all sorts of messes like that...that is until uncle sam found me, cleaned me up, gave me a razor and a tooth brush, taught me to use deodorant. Makes me reminisce and miss the good ole days and the great fun i had. One day ill get to return home to good ole TN.
 

bushi

Ground Beetle
Messages
973
Reaction score
2
Points
143
One day ill get to return home to good ole TN.
Hi oppie! I was twice in Chattanooga (I am not from US), and I must say, you have seriously good food there in the south! But WAY too hot for my likings! Jaysus, in July, walking out of AC office, was like walking into a furnace :). Even wind didn't help too much - the only difference was, it was like fan-assisted oven :)

Anyways, apart from the heat, loved it there, I generally have a great sentiment to US!
 

bushi

Ground Beetle
Messages
973
Reaction score
2
Points
143
Bushi,
I WAS there, and I laughed likme a drunken comedian!!

These knuckleheads are fucking priceless!
I know, I wish I was there as well -would probably piss my pants laughing-things that normally only happens in cartoons are just too funny in real!
 
Top