JOKE OF THE DAY!?!
- Thread starter Bottom Feeder
- Start date
Bottom Feeder
Big Eyed Bug
- Messages
- 789
- Reaction score
- 1,298
- Points
- 193
I LOVE Kennesaw!!
Here is a stone fact: The law requiring every homeowner to have a firearm was enacted in 1982 as a political statement** to the Morton Grove, IL new law banning all firearms.
**It is on the books, but not enforced. It IS a mindset, though. Got to talking to a guy there with a .45 on a web belt out in the street last time I was there. You are safe walking around in Kennesaw.
The crime rate in Morton Grove is currently about TEN TIMES HIGHER than in Kennesaw.
- Messages
- 232
- Reaction score
- 480
- Points
- 163
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. I'd never be able to pass the sobriety test they're giving that guy!"
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. I'd never be able to pass the sobriety test they're giving that guy!"
- Messages
- 789
- Reaction score
- 1,298
- Points
- 193
Talk about a world-record BAD day... Ya gotta watch this full screen. I wonder who the heck designed that setup? Lookit what it took to rearrange it to a lower energy level:
https://thechive.com/wp-content/upl...2_31_22-1-6.mp4?attachment_cache_bust=4290711
https://thechive.com/wp-content/upl...2_31_22-1-6.mp4?attachment_cache_bust=4290711
American Wild Man
Fly on the Wall
American Wild Man
Fly on the Wall
American Wild Man
Fly on the Wall
- Messages
- 232
- Reaction score
- 480
- Points
- 163
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
arminius
Ground Beetle
- Messages
- 524
- Reaction score
- 800
- Points
- 203
Funny Doctors' Notes
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS(National Health Service) Greater Glasgow
- Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared. - The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of fuel and crashed. - Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December. - Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
arminius
Ground Beetle
- Messages
- 524
- Reaction score
- 800
- Points
- 203
Moar...
- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed
to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. - The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out
of gas and crashed. - I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care
three times a week. - Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right
foot. - While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
