JOKE OF THE DAY!?!

Barrettone

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So not a joke, but one of the funniest things I've ever heard:

My wife and I go out to lunch today with this lady we met at a craft show. Her and her husband have an engraving company and had made some personalized mugs and wine tumblers for us this past summer. We liked them so much, that we brought her quite a few customers because everybody liked the stuff we got from her and we spoke highly of her work.

So we meet up with her, and my wife and I are just making small talk. Eventually, the conversation comes around to her business as she just started a website and was asking me for some advise on costing and budgeting. I was fairly conservative with my budgeting item numbers, and she kinda shocked me when she told me she was doing over 150k per quarter!

I said: "Damn that's a lot of cup engraving!"

To which she nervously responded with a much quieter voice so nobody else in the restaurant could hear it: "Actually, I sell a lot of "sex related" items like paddles, dildos and butt plugs."

Now naturally I had to ask "WTH...people actually want monogrammed dildos and butt plugs?!?!"

She said: "Well yeah...but I also have catchy phrases I put on things too."

I said: "OK...I'll bite...like what?"

She says: "Well my best seller is a butt plug that says "ManHole Cover" on it.

I literally spit out my drink!!!
 

JayDubya

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
 

JayDubya

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
 

Newmisty

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Some GOLD jokes

Q: Why did they build a castle for the pile of gold?
A: Because it’s a noble metal.

Q: What did the iron say to the gold when it tried to wake him up?
A: AU, get out of here!

Q: Where do gold miners go for lunch?
A: Au Bon Pain

Q: What do you call a piece of gold who is afraid of the spiders?
A: A chicken nugget

Q: What did the gold collector bake for dessert?
A: Karat cake.
 

Joe King

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^^^^ I've actually been on a big plane like that before.

Spoiler alert: it didn't crash.
Although when I learned that I would be the only passenger, the thought that "this thing is gonna crash", did in fact cross my mind as I boarded. Lol
 
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